Tuesday, February 18, 2020
I wasn't planning on writing a post about losing my grandpa. I know that there's a lot of great sources out there for dealing with grief and truthfully, I'm not sure I'm one of those right now. I think, if anything, this post is more just a bunch of ramblings and working through stuff in my own head and maybe it'll help, in that way, someone who's going through the same things.

All things that remind me of him. Dunkin Donuts. The color red. Tulips.

My grandpa passed kind of unexpectedly. He had just turned 91 and was diagnosed with metastasized bladder cancer and was still kicking its ass. All he wanted was "just a little more time". When he asked to go to the hospital because he felt like he couldn't breathe (diagnosed with pneumonia), we thought he'd come home. We had no idea, when we got there, that pneumonia was the least of his problems and that there was a secondary infection hangin' out in his body that ultimately took him.


  • There are seven stages to grief: Shock and denial. Pain and guilt. Anger and bargaining. Sadness and reflection. Lifting. Working through it. Acceptance. I almost always go straight to anger and disbelief and then fall into sadness. I think I'm still in "sadness and reflection" right now.
  • I think death can play on fears. Some are afraid of death itself. One of my biggest fears is going to the doctor's for one thing and them telling me there's something way more serious going on.
  • It can also be hard when you've already had unexpected/hard deaths in the past. My grandpa's death brings me right back to my aunt and grandma's. Both unexpected as well.
  • "A new normal". I'm sure my mom wants to kill me for how many times I've said it. But, for me, that's the best way to describe life going forward without a loved one. All the routines and familiar things are omitted from day-to-day life now. I don't know how many times I've stopped myself from popping my head into his room to say hi or bye or just to check on him.
  • It feels weird to smile and laugh. Like, is it the right time? Did enough time pass to crack a joke or are we being disrespectful by doing it? Will people think we didn't care, if we go out and try to distract ourselves?

I'm not sure what the post is supposed to do, but I feel a lot better after writing it.